'A load of Barry' - a short story by Ashy Macbean

A load of Barry

- It wiz better when they showed fashion TV.

- Eh?

- Fashion TV. On the box. Ah mean, whit's the point o' showin EuroNews wae the sound turned aff? At least wae fashion TV, ye could watch the lassies daein their bit oan the catwalk....didnae matter, sound or no.

- Aye, but....Fashion TV?

- Ah'm just sayin, it wiz better than EuroNews when yir in the pub an ye canny hear the sound.....Ah widny watch it at hame. An anyweys, some o' thae lassies ur crackin lookin.

- A bet ye dae watch it at hame. Ya big poof ye. It's the gadges you're efter, intit? Mincin about wi their shirt tails hingin oot an eye-shadow oan. Ya big Jessie..

- Piss off. You look like wan o' them, so whit does that make you? Ah mean, they're daen it fur a joab. You run aboot the toon lookin like that, ya numpty.

- You're just jealous big man. This is style...

- Jealous ae you? That'll be the day..... Think Ah want tae walk aboot looking like a clown?

- Clowns, Eh? Ther's yir clowns oan the box right now. Old Tony and George.....noo Ah'm glad the sound's turned aff. Lookit thum. A couple o' bampots and they're in charge o' hauf the wurruld. Wonder whit they're sayin.

- Probably a complete load o' Barry White, as usual.

- What?

- Barry White...ye know, shite. Yiv heard that wan.

- Aye ah know what it means. It's just....Is that no' a bit racist?

- Whit? Barry White? It rhymes wae shite, man.

- Aye, but Ah mean Barry White's black, int ae? Or more precisely, a kinna dark broon colour. Ah mean, it sounds like yir sayin he wiz like a big broon toley. That's the implication.

- Ah don't believe this. Ah'm no' sayin anythin o' the sort.

- Naw, ye don't mean tae. But yir no just bein racist when ye mean tae be. Ye kin be racist an no mean it. Still racist but.

- But how's it racist? Barry White! If you came oot the lavvy sayin 'It's a bit George Melly in there.' Ah wid ken whit ye mean, but Ah widnae think ye wir sayin that George Melly has personal hygiene issues. Ah mean, get a grip fur fucksakes.

- George Melly? Mair like Abraham Lincoln in there.

- Aye, right. Good wan. But ye know what Ah mean.

- Naw, Ah still think the Barry White wan's different. Ah don't feel comfortable wae it.

- So, whit Ah'm a supposed to say then? Eh?

- How aboot Jimmy White?

- Aw fur Christ's sake. Everybody says Barry. That's it. If ye want tae say somethin's shite, ye say it's Barry White an that's it. Everybody kens whit yer talkin aboot an naebdae - except you - thinks it's racist. Jimmy White? Ya choob ye.

- How no? Ah mean, how does it huvtae be Barry? How no Jimmy? Or Jack? There ye go. Jack White. That's a good wan. An a more contemporary reference, an aw. When ye say Barry White yer showin yer age, by the way.

- Aye? Is that right? Well see mah nephew Alan, Davey's boey? He says Barry White an he's only inis early twinties. Ah telt ye - everybody says it. And don't geiz any o' yer rubbish.

- Orright, orright. Keep the heid. A wiz just sayin.... anyway, it's no that big a deal. Want another pint?

- Aye, on ye go.

- Ye were right aboot fashion TV, but. It was a lot better than this rubbish, sound or nae sound.